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2000-07-31
19:22:13
i've been doing a lot of thinking about right and wrong. it seems to me that something is really only wrong, if you purposely did it to hurt someone else. but i didn't purposely do anything wrong. so am i really wrong? is it really wrong for my instincts to have kicked in and told me to run away, fearing for my own life, my own sanity? is it really wrong for me to have made a judgment in the split second i had to make it? is it my fault that i made the wrong decision? is it really wrong?!
i don't know anymore. i can't believe i'm actually toying with the idea that i haven't done anything wrong, but i also can't believe how much the guilt is tearing me apart. i can't believe anything. everything seems so far away. i didn't do anything to deserve what i've gotten. i'd almost rather be given the death sentence.
i want to tell the family of that girl how sorry i am. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry! i can't say it enough! i've had loved ones die. i know how much it hurts, and i know for a fact that sorry isn't good enough, but i have to say it. i have to tell someone somewhere how sorry i am for what i didn't mean to do.
i'm sorry!
but there's no one to listen. there's no one to tell me i am forgiven, and i sure as hell can't forgive myself. i'm more fucked than a fly in a spiderweb. i'm more fucked than a cow in a slaughterhouse. i'm more fucked because i am fully aware of how fucked i am, and i can do nothing to help myself short of saying that i did nothing wrong. so, i'm sorry, but i've done nothing wrong.
