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2000-09-19
13:41:15
my sleep schedule is all fucked up. i've been sleeping during daylight, working during darkness, over and over for four days in a row. my body doesn't know when the hell to wake up these days. thankfully, i only have to work tonight, and then i'm off for two days. maybe i can straighten myself out by friday.
kat is still asleep. she looks so peaceful. for the first time in what feels like forever, i can actually feel a little bit of peace inside myself, too. it's literally impossible to look at that woman and not feel her youthful vitality coursing through you.
i wonder if i ever looked that peaceful? i've always felt like my face has been marred with the stresses of life and age in such a way that shows exactly how weathered i feel. i don't know for sure. but i'd love to be as peaceful as she looks right now.
this hotel is rather old and unkempt, but it must've been amazing when it was new. the walls have pale peach and yellow speckled wallpaper covering them, and there's a gold chandelier and lamps on every surface. the lamps have gold bases with cream-colored shades that cast a yellowish glow over everything.
only one of the lamps is on right now, as i don't want to wake kat. the light, though, is shining off of her right cheek, highlighting the softness and the flawless complexion of her pale face. her hair is falling everywhere, draping over the back of her neck and both shoulders. she's lying on her stomach with the sheet pulled up loosely over her back, baring her naked shoulders and suggesting the shape of her beautiful naked body. the sheet pools around her like ripples in a pond that extend from her form to convey her beauty to the rest of the world.
God, she's beatiful. her skin just cries out to be touched. i can't believe my luck in having found her so soon after arriving in this place.
of course, as untrue as my feelings and intentions seem to be of late, i'm also remembering jess. i'm almost considering going back to see her sometime. i don't know if i could bear to actually speak to her, but i'd give anything just to see her again. as true as my feelings for kat seem to be, i can't help but wonder if i'm just trying to fill the void that's present in my life without jess. i wish there was some way to know for sure.
i'm such an awful person. how can i be sincere in my feelings if i think i'm in love with two different women? how am i supposed to know which love is real? does it have to be only one?
is there any way to stop this wondering?
