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2000-08-21
14:26:35
this weekend, i went away. i got in the car and drove off into the night without a clue as to where i was going.
looking back on it, i now realize that i drove up and down the road where my life fell apart until my eyes glazed over and blurred my view of the road. then, i tore myself away from the spellbinding scene and drove into the void.
i don't know what made me get in the car and drive away, but i had this nagging feeling that i needed to run away from something at home. i needed to get some fresh air, see something new, experience something that wouldn't make me feel guilty. i needed to be alone with my thoughts and my new obsession with the worthlessness of life.
i never have maps in the car because it's so rare for me to travel past the city line, so i just got on the first highway i saw and drove until i seemed to be the only person on the road.
it turns out that i drove for about five or six hours. i think i expected to end up at a fifties diner or something where i could buy a simple piece of pie, but what i found was even better.
it's amazing the things you can see when you finally decide to give up your practiced view of life. there's an entire world out there, just waiting to be discovered. this weekend, i discovered the most perfect place on earth. it's surprising even to me how i ended up at such a wonderful destination.
i got off the highway at a sign for some sort of beach resort and drove past hotel after hotel after hotel, until finally i escaped from the majority of the crowd. the roads seemed to lead into an infinity of emptiness, just waiting for some lonely soul to be magnetically attracted to it, waiting for a lonely, dejected soul like me.
eventually, i ended up climbing a narrow road lit by dim orange circles that looked like they were floating in mid-air, and i found myself atop a huge, round, concrete observation deck that overlooked the ocean.
when i finally stopped the car, it must've been running on the last fumes of gas. gas didn't seem like a necessity at the time; getting away was the necessity, and if i ran out of gas, it wasn't going to be the end of the world.
i got out of the car and walked up to the edge of the observation deck, where there was a steel railing marking the circumference of the designated viewing area. on both sides of me, as i looked out over the sea, were quarter-operated viewing glasses that looked like giant, metal masks perched atop black, rotating poles. the waves were crashing against the rocks so loudly that i couldn't imagine being able to hear anything above the racket of the water meeting the rocky land a hundred feet below. the sea was a shiny black that matched the sky, except for the yellow moon and its friendly reflection that bounced along with the waves as though they've been acquainted with one another for their entire existence.
my hands grabbed the railing and tightened around it until my knuckles felt like they were going to burst. when i released the grip, i was shocked to notice that i hadn't even known i was grasping the railing. when i thought about it, i realized that i had been trying to convince myself not to jump over the edge.
it's strange, isn't it? i've never even seriously thought about suicide until recently. it seems like such a welcome release from all the shit that's fucking with me of late. i can't deal with it. what am i supposed to do?
there has never before been a point in my life at which i thought it would be acceptable to kill myself. there has never been a point at which i thought i couldn't handle what was coming to me. there has never been a point at which i knew my future was bleak, until now.
i've always had such a bright future. i've always been a hard working, well-adjusted, stable businessman with more cash than i knew what to do with. i've always been able to look into that place of my brain that holds the secrets of the future, and i've always seen a bright, white light, shining like a beacon, calling out to me to receive what is rightfully mine. now, when i look to see what's in my future, i realize that i've thrown away everything dear to me. i've thrown away my job, my wife, my values, my moral judgments,...i've thrown away most of my life already. why not finish the job?
i think i'm going to go back. i should be able to find it again. now that i've seen the dark ocean crashing up against the rocks, threatening to take with it anything that may be in its way, now i know where i am needed. where i once felt fear and resignation, i now feel a strange beckoning, welcoming me with a sense of belonging.
i should have done it this weekend. i was already there; i don't know why i didn't just get it over with. scenes of faces keep projecting themselves across the movie screen in my mind. i don't think i can put up with it much longer. i have to make it stop. i have to set things right. i have to bring justice unto the wicked. i must send myself to be judged, knowing that i have done right in ridding the world of my blackened heart.
