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2000-08-03
17:42:03
it's been just one day, and already i can't handle being out of a job. yesterday was one of the most horrible days of my life. i woke up alone again, and immediately the sick feeling in my stomach returned. the moment i recognize that jess is gone, i see visions of that rainy night, and i hear the tires trying to grab onto some dry spot of road, and i see the look on the girl's face as she flew off the hood of my car. i can't remember if i actually noticed her face or not, but i definitely see it vividly every morning when i wake up.
i stayed in bed for what felt like all day, but when i finally felt so uncomfortable that i had to get up, it was only 10:30. i tried to cheer myself up with pancakes, but of course it didn't work. i didn't have the energy or the desire to shower, so i just sat on the couch and watched tv until dinnertime. i'm such a lazy bastard.
it's really amazing how hungry you can get when all you've done all day is lay in bed or sit around, but i guess i didn't realize how hungry i was until i noticed it was nearly 6:00. it takes me so long to cook for myself that i knew i couldn't wait that long, so i just ordered a pizza. the pizza arrived almost exactly half an hour later, and i think the delivery guy rang the doorbell at the same time the phone rang.
i threw the money at the poor guy and probably even forgot to thank him or anything before i slammed the door in his face and ran for the phone. i haven't heard the phone ring in a few days, so it startled me right away. all at once, i was certain it had to be jess.
i was almost right, but it wasn't jess. it was her sister, nicole. nicole very calmly described to me all the gory details of how jess has decided that i either need to turn myself in to the police, or she's going to divorce me. she said jess will give me three days to think about it, and then she hung up on me.
i've been married to jess for six years, almost seven. i think i know her well enough to know that this ultimatum was not of her own design. i know nicole planted that idea in her head, and jess was probably too angry with me to even listen to what was being suggested to her. when jess gets upset, it's like the whole world disappears. she becomes so withdrawn that it's hard to tell if she's still alive. she just sits there, staring at the wall so intently that she's statuesque. goddammit, it doesn't even matter whose idea it was. the fact remains that i have a decision to make: do i turn myself in to the cops and risk being charged with manslaughter? or do i not turn myself in and risk losing jess?
i think i'm gonna puke.
