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2000-07-19
13:32:34
usually, i'm no good at knowing what to write about, but today, i have something i need to write about.
this morning, i was eating my shredded wheat and watching the weather channel. it's gonna rain today. that's not important, but after they talked about the rain, they showed a commercial for those aquatread tires that are supposed to be good in the rain. the commercial showed a guy driving down a deserted street at night in the pouring rain, and he turned a corner to find a tree that had fallen in the road, so he had to slam on the brakes and stop fast on the slick roads.
it came back all at once.
the sound of brakes trying to stop on a wet road actually made me drop my spoon into the shredded wheat. i instictively jumped and tried to slam on the brakes in my own imaginary car the moment i saw the panic in the driver's face.
it was happening all over again in my head. i slammed my foot on the brakes as hard as i could, but i couldn't stop fast enough. i heard a thump, and i saw her fly off my front bumper into the woods along the side of the road. when the car finally stopped, i fumbled to open my door, and i ran over to where i had seen her fall.
she was all crumpled up in a tiny heap, her legs folded strangely beneath her, and her clothing all twisted and torn. her face was wet and muddy, the blood pouring out of her head right at the hairline above her left eyebrow. it was coming out so fast, it didn't look like it would ever stop. and the blood was running down the side of her face with the rain, and her left shoulder was completely soaked red.
i didn't know what to do. i don't even know why i got out of the car. i couldn't help her. i couldn't do anything for her. i wanted to call out her name, but i didn't know her. i wanted to grab identification so i could find out who she was, but i was afraid. i'm almost fucking forty years old, and i was afraid to touch the girl. i thought she might be a corpse.
i wanted to fix her, but what could i do? she wasn't a broken down car that just needed a few new parts, she was a fucking human being fucking dying right in front of me! i wanted to go back in time and hit the brakes sooner. the situation was so unreal that i thought i could run away from it.
so that's what i did.
i just left her there. there was no one was around. no one saw me hit her. it was dark and rainy, and i felt like i was in a dream. i thought i could just leave and it would all go away, but it's not going away! it's given me a headache that constantly pounds on my temples. it's given me nightmares, and now it's giving me tremors as i watch the weather channel in the morning.
i should've done something. i should've picked her up, put her in my car, and driven her to the hospital. but i didn't. i guess i didn't want to be told that i had killed her. i didn't want to hear anyone tell me i was a killer. i didn't want to throw my life away. they might've put me in jail! they could've thrown some ridiculous lawsuit at me, claiming that i'm some homicidal maniac, but i'm not!
i thought i'd feel better, not having to listen to someone tell me what i'd done. but i don't feel any better. i'm beating myself up over it because i just don't know. what if she was just knocked unconscious? what if she was just stunned, or in shock? maybe the blood only looked bad because it was raining so hard. she might be just fine, and i'll never know. i think that's the worst part.
