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2000-08-04
17:18:57
after yesterday's ordeal, i just couldn't deal with staying home all day today. i had to go out, and seeing as how i've really only had one thing on my mind for the last few weeks, i knew exactly where i had to go: back to the scene.
today was the first time i've been back over there since the incident. i've done everything possible to avoid that road, but i knew i'd have to face it again eventually.
it's such a beautiful day outside. it was hard to believe i was going out for the sole purpose of taking myself back to that horrible rainy night. i'm not sure what i expected to happen, but i was somehow shocked by the fact that the sun was still shining on me and the trees were still bright and cheerful as i approached the scene.
when i parked the car, i was surprised by the number of cars that continued past me on the road. that road is part of my life, now. i had forgotten that other people still use it as part of their daily commute. luckily, none of them stopped or even looked half curious as to why i had pulled over to the side of the narrow road. it's a good thing i wasn't having car trouble. no one would've stopped to help me.
i had a little trouble remembering exactly where the girl had landed in the woods, but i knew i was parked close. it became immediately apparent that there was no corpse nearby in the woods. i believe i would've easily been able to smell a dead body that's been rotting in the woods this long, even if i couldn't see it right away. if nothing else, at least that fact made me feel somewhat relieved.
for what felt like forever, i wandered over every inch of the wooded area that was close to where she had fallen, and the only thing i found was a small patch of yellow-brown leaves that were marked with some dark brown stains. i suppose it's possible that the leaves were marked with blood, but it seems ridiculous when i think of how heavy the rain was coming down that night. the coloration on the leaves could've been anything from blood to...oh, i don't know...it could've been anything. the important thing is that the girl either got up to walk away or was eventually found by someone.
as soon as i had come to some conclusions, i came back here. i'm glad i faced the scene from that night, but coming home to this empty house is a dreadful scene in and of itself. without jess, the place actually seems frightening. i'm feeling such an odd loneliness, and i keep thinking i'm hearing sounds from someplace in the house. my own thoughts seem like amplified voices coming from somewhere outside of my head.
i can't fucking take this. maybe i can try calling jess. that is, if her bitch of a sister will let her talk to me. if jess hears that the girl must've been taken care of somehow, i'm sure she'll feel a little better about the situation. at least she'll know i'm trying to make things better.
