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2000-09-14
16:59:47
pretty soon, i'm going to have to start looking for a new hotel to stay in. it seems i've picked the wrong hotel. this one is extremely family-oriented. the guy at the front desk got suspicious of me the moment i told him i was in town alone. what's so strange about that?
i've spent a lot of time this week thinking about kat. in fact, i've probably spent the majority of my time this week thinking about kat. i feel like i need to see her again as soon as i can, but then i remember jess and i want to strike myself dead where i stand so i can go straight to hell where i belong. why am i prolonging it?
the entire idea to get away from my life at home was in an attempt to give myself a clean slate. i had no idea it would be so hard to make the break. i really thought i could do it. i really thought i could run away from all my troubles, move to a new town, and be perfectly happy.
it's not going to happen.
the nightmares are getting increasingly intense, and the guilt i feel is tearing me apart. maybe i should just go back home. maybe i should just walk myself right into the police station and condemn myself to prison for life.
my options here are not very pleasant. it seems i can stay here, drinking everyday and spending my time with people i barely know while my guilt shreds me to pieces, or i can go back home to risk the possibility of years in court, a lifetime in jail, and an extremely angry wife. suicide would be a welcome alternative to these, but my resolve to kill myself is obviously not solid enough.
if only i could stop the nightmares, things would be so much more tolerable.
