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2000-08-01
17:12:23
when i got home from work last night, jess was completely gone. she was just gone. there was no note, no explanation, nothing. i knew from the moment i walked in the door that she'd finally decided to leave. the house smelled different. it's lost it's hominess, it's comfort. it's lost the feeling of love that always used to be present.
i laid in bed all night long just hoping to hear her car in the front drive, her key in the door, her voice in my ear,...nothing. it doesn't surprise me, though. i don't deserve her, and i never did. i can't even pretend to feel any more abandoned right now. it's all gotten to the point where i'm about as fucked as i can get and that's all there is to it.
at work this morning, my boss called me into his office for a "minute." you always know it's going to be bad when he asks for a "minute." the last person to be called in for a "minute" got fired the following week for sexually harassing a client. what did my "minute" concern? well, mr. jones (as i'll refer to him here for anonymity) seems to have noticed my sleepiness of late. he's right, too: i can't keep my eyes open for more than a minute at a time. you might think that would help me fall asleep at night, but it doesn't. i'm only tired at work. in any case, i've been neglecting clients and generally slacking off. and i sure as hell don't have the kind of job where it's acceptable to slack off.
mr. jones reached into his desk drawer and produced the file of my most recently closed deal. it was from nearly three weeks ago. i used to average two or three closings a week, sometimes more. he asked me if there was anything going on in my life that he should know about, but what am i supposed to say to that? "sorry, mr. jones, it's just that i ran over some girl with my car and left her on the side of the road to die, and now my wife has left me because she can't even bear the sight of me." yeah, right. not only would he not understand that, but he'd be the first person to call the police on me. he'd be banging down doors to get to the source of the problem. the world's about money to him, and i know i used to be one of his most trusted employees. the world used to be about money to me, too. there's too much going on in my life right now, though, so i told him i was just having a rough week or two.
i wanted to tell him i'd improve, that i was sure i'd be closing deals any day now, but i couldn't even lie. i told him i wasn't sure if he was ever going to see the improvement and i quit.
