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2000-09-08
13:38:21
i've decided that the only way to continue living as though i'm your typical, everyday person is to keep myself as busy as possible. i'm going out today, and when i come back to the hotel, i will have been offered at least several interviews, if not an actual job position.
why wouldn't someone hire me right now? it's not like i'm an irresponsible little sixteen year-old. i'm thirty-eight years old. i've done everything from flipping burgers and straightening videos on shelves to training people to become better salespeople in a fortune 500 company. i think i have enough experience to land me a simple part-time job that will keep me off the streets for at least a few hours a day.
i did a little bit of exploring yesterday. i drove aimlessly around the area, and when that got boring, i parked the car and walked along the beach for a long time, thinking about what i should be doing now. i certainly wasn't thinking straight when i left jess in the kitchen and ran out the door. at some point, i may even be able to admit that it was a mistake to leave, but i'm a little too stubborn to do that right now. besides, i'm terrified of my hometown now. i don't think i could face jess or natalie (if she's still around), and especially not joyce and robert. my home is here now. my previous hometown has been marred with a blackness of intention that i can't admit was ever contained within me.
there are certain things in life that are simply impossible to face. i've discovered that most of these things are personal character traits. trying to face the blackness of your own heart is an unreasonably challenging task; it's one of the most difficult endeavors i've ever attempted.
two months ago, i would've argued with anyone that i'm the most genuinely caring person in the world. now, i know i'll never be able to argue that again. i'm also noticing recently that i'm much more cynical about the people around me.
i believe that everyone must have a certain amount of evil in their heart. even if they can't see it, it must be there. perhaps it takes an event such as accidentally ending someone's life to bring it to fruition, but i do believe that evil is present somewhere within everything.
i still can't believe what's happened to me. i can't believe this situation i'm in. it's probably only a matter of time before things blow up in my face. i can't run away and hide forever. eventually, someone's going to find me, and it's not going to be easy to avoid myself at that point. i guess the best thing for me to do now is to try and forget it all. i'll be forced to think about it soon enough. there's no sense in trying to think about it before i have to; that would simply drive me crazy.
with this is mind, i suppose it's time for me to go out to find a job. i'm tired of thinking about how fucked i am.
wish me luck.
