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2000-08-08
14:46:47
a lot happened yesterday. just when i had been wondering what was going on with jess, she showed up at the front door. she rang the doorbell, and when i opened the door i was shocked to see her standing there crying. she just looked at me, and i didn't know what kind of terms we were on at that precise moment, so i just looked back at her. i felt completely helpless to do anything, and i felt ridiculous just standing there watching her cry. and i still can't figure out why she rang the doorbell instead of just using her key to get in. this is, after all, her house, too.
after an awkward moment or two, i asked her to come in. she walked in slowly and sat down on the sofa, where she hugged her knees up to her chest like a little girl and peered at me through bloodshot eyes while looking at me over the tops of her knees. i sat down, too, and she just said, "i'm so sorry...i'm sorry...i'm so sorry..." and she repeated it over and over again.
i had no idea what made her think she should apologize to me. it was my fault that all this happened, anyway. i went up beside her and told her to stop saying that. i apologized too, and pretty soon, we were both crying.
after a brief period of silence and sobs, she finally began to speak. she told me she went by the office to see me, and when she showed up, mr. jones saw her and invited her into his office. i guess he was as shocked to see her there as she was to find that i was not there. he asked her what was going on, and she told him she didn't know, but the fact that she showed up there must've struck a chord with him because jess says he's willing to give me my job back, if i can get through whatever's going on and return to closing deals like i did before this all happened.
i know jess probably talked him into offering to give me my job back. he's not the sort of person who's always willing to offer a helping hand to the less fortunate. he is, however, the sort of person who's interested in money and women. so, jess probably had no trouble reminding him of what a salesman i used to be, and swaying him into the decision to offer me my job again.
apparently, the two of them decided that i was not myself, and i will probably soon go back to being who i was before. i'm not sure i'm convinced of that. i don't think i've spent two minutes thinking about anything but this travesty i've committed since the night it happened. this is going to be something that affects my life from here on out. there's no way in hell i'll ever be back to my old self. how could i?
jess and i talked forever. it turns out that she didn't even know what nicole had told me about getting a divorce, and she's furious about it. jess said she had just needed some time to think, and now that she's had it, she realizes that she should never have left me when i'm going through such a traumatic time.
she didn't hesitate to stress the fact that it was definitely wrong of me to have left that girl on the side of the road, but aside from that, she seemed amazingly compassionate and understanding: the woman i married. unfortunately, i'm not who i was when we were married. i just hope she can learn to love me just as much as before.
when i told jess about the detectives who had stopped by, she got a clouded look of concern on her face. she asked me about a million questions, and then determined that we needed to go to the hospital to visit the girl and meet the girl's parents. jess seems convinced that the girl's parents will understand the situation and take some pity on me. i don't know about that, but i guess i'll find out. i just hope they're more understanding than i would be, if i was in their position.
last night, for the first night in a long time, i was able to hold jess in my arms as i fell asleep. my sleep was still interrupted by dozens of nightmares that awakened me in an all too familiar cold sweat, but knowing jess has come back to me makes me feel just a little bit better.
