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2000-09-28
17:13:50
when i first met jess, i really didn't expect it to turn into anything. i met her in a bar. you never hear about people getting married after meeting each other in a bar. it didn't seem logical. i just started talking to her because she was so beautiful. all i wanted was to take her home with me and see how far i could get. that's it.
surprisingly, i did take her home with me, and she was just as interesting as she was beautiful. it stopped being about sex the moment i heard her voice outside the din of the bar. she was so easy to listen to. her voice was melodious and soft, but somehow confident. i could've listened to her forever.
of course, as soon as we arrived back at my apartment, the talking turned to kissing, the kissing to touching, and so forth. we didn't have sex that night. after a certain point, she started to become noticeably reluctant. i didn't want to push things because i wanted to see her again. so i let it go, and we both drifted to sleep.
after several more dates and several more attempts to get closer, we ended up in the same situation of kissing, touching, and then: reluctance. this time, though, i stopped to ask what was wrong. she kept averting her eyes and saying, "nothing," but i knew there was something she wanted to say, so i wouldn't let it go.
that's when she told me about her father.
she started crying and reprimanding herself for getting so emotional. i wanted so badly to help her, to do anything for her, to convince her that not every man will behave like he did, but there was nothing for me to do but listen.
at that moment, i knew i hated her father more than anything. if he had walked into the room right then, i would've ripped his head off his shoulders. i didn't think it was possible to hate anyone as passionately as i hated him.
i was wrong.
right now, i sit alone in my hotel room with nothing to do but ponder life. i have killed. i have ruined countless lives. i have hurt jess. i am reduced to the drunken man who sits behind his laptop at 2:00 in the afternoon, typing useless nonsense to a nonexistent listener. i am too weak even to kill myself. i have sinned too much to even attempt asking for God's forgiveness. at this moment, i hate myself more than the man who forced himself upon his own daughter.
