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2000-08-31
13:28:18
i'm here with my laptop, sitting on a bench, overlooking the ocean, wondering how long i have left to live. i'm not as upset as perhaps content to be finally stripped of the wondering. now i know.
angela died last night. she never pulled out of the coma. her heart just slowed down, and her body eventually gave up. robert called to tell me. his voice sounded strained and forced, like he couldn't believe what his lips were actually saying. in the background, i could hear joyce screaming at me. she was positively in hysterics. she was sobbing and screaming in a high-pitched screech that shot through my ears like the tears of God Himself, blaming me for the agony His Son had to endure.
i didn't respond to robert. i just held the phone in my hand, noticing how joyce's words and sobs were becoming ever-louder, while the rest of the world faded away into nothingness.
jess was home when i got the call. she rushed over to me as soon as she noticed the look on my face. i couldn't say anything to her, though. i couldn't do anything but stand there with the receiver in my hand, waiting for the truth to disappear. if only i could stand still long enough, maybe i could convince time to slow down with me. perhaps i can talk my heart into slowing down like angela's did so early in her life. perhaps i can make time move backwards and i can go back to the horrible split second on that rainy night.
oh, but i'm being ridiculous. there's no way for that to happen. there's only one answer now. i've already come this far.
i never even hung up the phone. i never answered jess. i dropped the receiver from my hand, and i ran out the door while she shouted at me from behind. i love her, but there's nothing she can do for me now. there's nothing i can do for her, either. it's over for us. it's over for me.
i wonder what it will feel like, falling down into the water? what will it feel like to drown? will i die from the impact of my body upon the water? will i feel myself die? will i feel what it's like to inhale only water, with no air to flush it out with? will my brain be aware of what's going on?
the sky is such a subdued shade of grey. it looks like it's bored with its existence, as much as i am with mine. it looks like it wants to give in, as well. i wonder if either of us will succeed?
