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2000-08-09
13:11:03
as relieved as i am to have jess back in my life, i have to admit that things are not exactly back to normal. although she's trying to help me as best she can, she seems somehow distant, like she's not sure what to say to me. it's almost like she's trying too hard to pretend that things are like they used to be, but they're not.
she has a certain cloudiness over her eyes. when she looks at me, it's not the deeply understanding gaze it used to be. instead, it's a forced concern and that awful hint of fear. i guess i can't complain, though. i know she's doing the best she can, and that whole divorce idea wasn't even something she knew about, so that's out of the question right now. thank God.
i don't have much to say today. i think i'm mainly trying to procrastinate and get my mind off things. jess and i are going to the hospital today. i'm not sure i'm ready for this yet, but i know it's something i have to do.
i can't stop wondering what it's going to be like, going to see the girl i hit with my car. before, i wanted only to know that she was alive. now that i know she's alive and severely injured, i think i'd rather have found out she was dead so that i wouldn't have to face her and the injuries i unintentionally inflicted upon her.
it's the strangest thing: i keep imagining myself walking down the sidewalk with a baseball bat, pummeling every woman i see. it's not that i want to hurt them -- i don't want to hurt anyone -- it's just that i know i've caused a great deal of pain in the girl's life, not to mention what her parents and the rest of her family must be going through. whether i like it or not, i'm to blame for the girl's suffering. and i feel like such a fuckhead.
