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2000-08-05
17:34:40
the effort to contact jess yesterday was completely unsuccessful. i don't know if she and nicole went out for the entire day, or if they have caller ID or something and just ignored my calls, but neither of them answered the phone at all. my inability to reach jess bothered me more than you can imagine, what with her threatening to divorce me and everything.
i don't know what i would do if jess or nicole showed up here asking for my signature on divorce papers. i wouldn't want to be an asshole and refuse. i'd do anything to make jess happy. if what she really wants is a divorce, i guess i'd have to let that happen.
but what about me? is it selfish of me to think of myself and my own feelings at a time like this? is it wrong of me to want my wife of six years to stay with me after i turned into a monster? i can barely look myself in the mirror. how am i supposed to expect her to understand?
i'm starting to wonder more and more about what happened to the girl. i feel like going out to look around town just to see if i see her walking around. then i could throw myself at her feet and apologize for leaving her there, instead of taking a minute out of my day to help her like any sane person would have. i could take her to dinner and show her that i'm not really an awful person. i could give her money. i would do anything to find out if she's alright.
i'd also do anything to hear from jess right about now. i can't believe she left me alone to face something like this. of course i did a horrible thing, but don't we all fuck up sometimes?
