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2000-08-16
12:57:12
i wonder if guilt is what makes a person compassionate?
i have so much guilt inside of me that i feel like it's taking over my entire life. i can't figure out why i feel so guilty.
i keep trying to tell myself that i only feel guilty because i'm a caring person who never wanted to hurt anyone. but if i really was a decent, honest, and caring person, would i really have done everything the way i did? would i have left angela to die? would i have cheated on my beautiful and loving wife? the only answer i can come up with is that i'm not a good, decent, caring, or compassionate person. i'm a scumbag, a fuckhead, a lying motherfucking son of a bitch who's ruined the lives of everyone i care about. i've ruined my life, my wife's life, angela's life, her family's lives,...
i don't deserve to live.
i went to the hospital again yesterday. it's the only thing i could do that didn't make me feel like i wanted to jump off the highest building in town. angela looks exactly the same as she did the last time i saw her: still, bruised, and horribly beaten. again, she didn't even have the strength to really open her eyes.
i went to the hospital because sitting at home has gotten so awful that i can no longer bear it. jess has finally noticed that i'm not doing well, and she has no idea what to do. she's trying to make me feel better. she even went out and bought some champagne to have with the roasted chicken dinner she made yesterday. she's doing everything she can to cheer me up.
but how can i be cheered up by jess? how can i allow myself to live in the same house with her, eating the dinner she spends all day cooking for me, and making love to her like she's the only woman on earth? how is it possible for me to be such an awful human being?!
when i'm home, i spend most of my time sitting on the sofa, watching tv, but i don't actually watch anything; i sit there with the volume up so loud that it gives me a headache, but try as i may, i can't drown out that little voice in the back of my head that keeps saying, "you don't deserve to live, you bastard, you don't deserve to live."
