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2000-08-14
14:11:05
i think i'm the most horrible human being on the face of the planet.
the events of this weekend have left me dazed. i'm not sure what to write here. most of the things i've said to this point have come out so easily, but this one almost refuses to be put into words. i think i don't want to admit it to myself. i guess we all have to face ourselves at some point, though.
saturday night, i met up with natalie for dinner. she showed up at my front door, wearing a black dress that made me want to take her right then. i said hello, introduced her to jess, and then we headed out for the evening.
jess, by the way, was not too concerned about this dinner. she said she was glad to see me getting out for a change.
natalie has come a long way since our days together. she's since been married and divorced twice. she started her own internet company, and it skyrocketed in popularity until she made enough money to buy herself a beautiful condo right in the heart of the city and a brand new black jaguar.
i'd give anything for that jaguar.
we had dinner at my favorite italian restaurant and sat there drinking wine for hours. i don't know why i was worried about going. we hit it off right away, as if we'd never given up our post-college relationship.
it was a wonderful evening. i felt so young and alive! it felt like we were both twenty-three again, only this time, we could dine in more expensive establishments, and we could drive around aimlessly in her jaguar. it felt so much like we were back in the old days, that...well,...we must've had too much wine,....
we parked the jaguar in the abandoned parking lot of a ski resort that's closed for the season, and we sat overlooking the town below, while the sun faded further and further into darkness below the horizon.
i'm not sure how it happened. i'm not sure why, but i think i honestly believed we were twenty-three again. she leaned over and kissed me, told me she's been thinking about me a lot lately, and then i lost track of where we were and who i was with, and we made love right there, both of us stunningly oblivious of what must've been the ridiculously awkward and uncomfortable setting of her car. but it didn't matter; it was amazing.
unfortunately, the reality has hit me now. i spent all of yesterday trying to straighten myself out, trying to tell myself that it really didn't happen, trying to convince myself that i've never loved anyone but jess. but i can't get natalie off my mind.
