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2000-08-22
17:54:31
i don't know what's wrong with me. yesterday, i was convinced that life was beyond me. i was convinced that life was something that obviously didn't want me around.
well, maybe i was wrong.
jess and i woke up early today. we've been sleeping like a couple of lazy pigs lately because it's easier than talking to one another, and i think we started getting entirely too much sleep.
we got up, took our time adjusting to wakefulness, and then we decided to go out for breakfast. anything to change the surroundings was a welcome relief.
after much discussion about where to go, we ended up at scotty's diner. i haven't been there in years. i guess i had forgotten what a nice, relaxing place it is. scotty's had a meager crowd of elderly couples and truck drivers that made jess and me look somewhat out of place, but aside from that, breakfast was wonderful. we finally had a real conversation!
shortly after we had sat down and ordered the coffee, jess leaned forward, put her hands on mine, looked at me, and said, "are you alright? you're acting strange lately."
at this, i asked her what was strange about how i was acting, and she said, "i don't know. you're just different."
i guess she finally noticed.
so, i told her that i'm still worried about angela. i told her that the possibility of jail time is still lingering over my head. i told her that i feel like i'm going crazy. i told her i can't go back to my job. i told her i nearly killed myself this weekend...
and then, i told her about natalie.
she looked at me for a moment without moving a muscle. then, just as i was starting to feel really awkward, she turned her head down and said, "i know."
there was absolutely no way for me to disguise my shock. it must have been apparent all over my face. she went on to explain that natalie had stopped by the house over the weekend, while i was gone. i can't imagine what possessed natalie to do something like that, but jess said that she had been concerned about me, too, and wanted to do something to help.
somehow, natalie convinced jess to forgive me for being such an asshole. this whole situation seems kind of odd to me. i've never met two more outstanding women in my life. any ordinary woman would've gone positively crazy if the woman who slept with her husband showed up at the door to apologize and offer help, but not jess. jess accepted the apology from natalie, and even more surprising than that was her acceptance of an apology from me.
it's not that i feel completely forgiven for being an adulterous bastard, but i do feel significantly better than before, simply in knowing that i am loved by a woman who recognizes my weaknesses and loves me even so. i feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders, but i'm aware of my ever-present shame, and i think i always will be. the only thing to remember is that i am loved, and i do not have to struggle through anything alone.
God bless my wonderful, loving wife, jess.
