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2000-10-02
17:03:56
i feel like nicholas cage in leaving las vegas. all i do is drink and sleep with women half my age.
this isn't right. this isn't me. i don't know how i got here. i don't know what i'm doing here. i just know it's not right. this isn't where i'm supposed to be.
i'm supposed to be at home with jess, leading a perfectly normal, healthy life. i'm supposed to be climbing the ladder of success beneath mr. jones at my old job. how the hell did i end up a worthless drunk? how did i go back to tending bars like i did when i was in my twenties?
how did this happen?!
i just don't understand it. i always thought of myself as a good person. i always thought i was strong and attractive, and i always knew exactly where i was going. i always thought i could overcome anything. where did this impasse come from?
i keep going over and over the events in my life, and try as i may, i cannot come up with any reason for this to have happened. i wasn't meant to become this useless. i wasn't meant to hurt people.
isn't there any way to fix this?
all i'm doing is drinking myself into a stupor and trying to numb my pain by running away from everything. i don't even seem to be very good at running away. the drinking helps sometimes, but other times, it just makes me feel worse.
kat hasn't been by for a few days. she hasn't called or stopped by the old steed or anything. i don't know what happened with her. i don't know what i did to make her go away. i don't know anything except how miserable i am.
this can't go on much longer.
