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2000-09-06
15:47:48
life is decidedly boring when you've got nothing to do. i know that probably doesn't sound like a huge epiphany, but it is. i have no job. i have no family. i have nothing tying me down anywhere on this earth.
why am i still living?
who the fuck knows? all i know is that i can't take any more sitting around on my ass, waiting for the world to spit me out from its massive jaws that have locked around me in a half chewed-off bite of the perpetually pathetic.
i have to do something. i'm essentially living out of my car. well, i'm staying in a hotel, but i'm not supposed to stay for more than two weeks at a time because the property manager has very specific rules about not living there. so i have the clothes i'm wearing, the laptop i'm writing on, and the car i drive. that's it. that's all that's keeping me going right now. it's not much, is it?
i do feel better, though, with no outside distractions. it certainly feels good to be without the suspicious eyes of my wife and my random drop-in-and-out friends. i can't live beneath the weight of their stares. i can't live in constant fear of what may happen to me.
i've decided that something must be done to keep my mind off of things. i should just fucking delete the first half of this journal and start anew, like i am with everything else. i'm far away from the place i used to call home. i have nothing, but that's how i need it to be.
now, if only i could find something to do...
