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2000-07-21
12:56:56
this can't go on much longer. for a day or two, just writing in here made me feel as though i had gotten something off my chest, like a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders. i guess all i needed at first was an outlet. i needed somewhere to write about the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me in my admittedly fucked up life. i thought if i wrote about my trouble, it would go away, but it won't. it hasn't been that long, yet, but if i have to put up with the way i'm feeling now for all that much longer, i'm not sure i'm going to make it through this ordeal.
i finally gave in and told jess what happened. ever since yesterday morning, all i can think about is telling people and telling people, trying to make people tell ME what a horrible person i am because i can't seem to tell myself enough. so i told jess, and she went positively hysterical. it's not exactly the fact that she yelled at me for being so unbelievably uncaring that gets to me; it's that she looks at me differently now. the instant i told her, she got a look in her eyes of pure and absolute disgust, almost hatred. it was disgust, a flicker of hatred, and then the most terrible of all: fear. the only times i've ever seen that look in her eyes were when she spoke about her abusive father. i can't stand that i've become such a symbol of horror for her. my wife is afraid of me. what am i going to do? i know i can't face this alone.
things have gone from bad to worse. when something's bothering you, all you need to do is get it off your chest, right? that's what i thought, but i was horribly mistaken. once you get it off your chest, people begin to realize exactly who you are. it's quite rare for people to allow these glimpses into their stripped psyche. generally speaking, i appreciate finding these moments of truth in other people. i enjoy discovering the deepest, most secretive thoughts of darkness and despair. i like to hear them from other people; it helps to convince me that i'm not necessarily the most deceptive person on this earth. i've always known that most people hide the truth about themselves, but i never realized why. apparently, hiding the truth is a better idea than you might think.
when is this going to end? it was such a simple act when it happened. i made a decision, and i acted on it. that's it. it didn't feel like anything more than your ordinary decision. i hit a girl with my car, and then i decided what to do. the choice seemed obvious at the time: run away while you can. i may have run from the scene, but i can't seem to run from the tragedy.
i am now thoroughly convinced that the girl must be dead, althogh i haven't heard anything about it in the news. i almost want to go back to the scene to see if her body has even been discovered, but i have to admit i'm scared. i'm scared more than i've ever been scared in my life. i couldn't face the scene the first time around. what makes me think i'd be able to face it again? what makes me think i'd do anything differently if i returned? i guess i just need to know for certain. the not knowing is going to kill me. it's a shock to me that it hasn't killed me yet. one of two things is going to kill me sooner or later: either the guilt alone, or the knowing that i've disappointed jess to an extent that can never be amended.
i want to beg God's forgiveness, but i can't even bear to think about asking forgiveness for an atrocious crime, even if it was an accident. i want to tell Him what happened and ask Him to strike me dead where i stand. i want to kneel at the foot of my bed and weep until the flood of my tears have convinced the world that i am truly sorry for the crime i mistakenly committed. of course, i have attempted to ask God's forgiveness, but every time i try to pray, i feel like i'm speaking into a bottomless void. where i used to feel the warm presence of God supporting me at my side, i now find myself shivering in lonesome abandonment. i feel as though i've offended everyone on earth as well as all the angels in heaven, but none so much as i've offended myself.
i'm miserable. the sight of my own face in the mirror is an abhorrent sight of repulsion. i'm despicable. everything i've done in my life to this point means nothing, now that i've taken a human life. even my wife and the God i love have been altogether unsuccessful in offering me even a moment's comfort.
