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2000-11-03
20:07:11
about a week ago, i bought a gun. it's surprisingly easy to come across people who can get you a gun when all you do is hang out in shady bars all the time.
i'd been thinking about it for a long time, so when the opportunity for a gun arose, i decided i had to take it.
i'd been taking trips up to the edge of the cliff about once a day, anyway. i finally decided i couldn't throw myself over. no matter how many times i tried to talk myself through it, i just knew i was never going to gather the strength to do it. it takes too much thought and too much courage.
a gun takes no effort. all i have to do is move a single finger, and all my troubles will be over.
one thing i wasn't counting on, though, was that knowing i was about to die seriously improved my life. the sky seemed brighter and people seemed to make more sense. everything was alive and bright for the first time since my life fell apart, and it was all because i knew i was about to die.
i hung onto that feeling this entire week, but now it's fading, and it's time.
it's really awkward to write about this. it's finally sinking in as a reality. within the next six hours, i'll be dead.
my hell will finally be over.
i wish there was someone who could understand how good it feels to be letting go of all the shit i've been trying to deal with for too long now. i wish there was some way to describe the relief, but it's too vast to define.
thank you to all of you who sent e-mail in support of my efforts. you were very kind and i wish i could've met you all, but my life wasn't meant to be happy.
thanks again. i hope you all have a better life than mine.
goodbye.
